AT LAST A VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS!

First let me thank staff and management
for the opportunity
to both answer your comments
and expound on my vast wisdom
of both the fascinating world
of media and life in general.

These coming pages will be your guide post to
watching, listening and yes even reading
what is today laughingly called news and opinions.
Oh if ONLY someone like me had been out there in MY formative years.
I shudder to think what I might have become with their guiding
hand pointing the way!

In the beginning I shall pull comments from the Media Report (our flag
ship company) and comment on them here. Naturally any direct comments
on my blog will be both answered and pressed in the
Farkwad family bible.

That said, feel free to pass this link on to any and all
who are lost on the sea of bovine feces that we so lovingly call
THE MEDIA. At last your life line to the truth has arrived!!!



GREAT THANKSGIVING
DINNER
TIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food.
"Who made the potato salad? Is egg in there? Are them collards fresh?
Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and
cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?
Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out
all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to
be independent.
Nibble on the pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone
makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort them
to the basement and bring their food down to them.
They are not going to tear my house up again this year.
Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle
Ron to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas.
If they come upstairs for any reason except for that or they are bleeding
to death, I will break a foot off in their butts!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner!
JUST ONE!
We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave
birth to a healthy baby, your nephew just got out of jail, how much nicer
your home is than ours, or how much money you made for the year.
Save that talk for somebody who gives a flip. The time limit for the
prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is
up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be
swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds!
If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!!
Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware
knowing full well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you
didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period
or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!!
Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you.
EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING
AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
This is not a DAYCARE CENTER!
There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that
is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside
until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on
you!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!!

There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your
butt home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 9:00 pm.
You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup
kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner!

You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the
appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will
be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Ruby and her greedy
family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD
are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!